Here are the latest reports from The Washington Posts ‘Com Post’.
Hillary Clinton’s late-night panic
This has been quite a week for Donald Trump. But how is it playing on Team Hillary? A glimpse at her team’s group chat. Time: 2:04 AM In Chat: Hillary, Ready4Hillary Hillary: So this is going well, right? Ready4Hillary: Yes Hillary: I keep worrying, though. Should I be in the news more? Every day I […]
Donald Trump, in monstrous form
Paul Manafort and Mike Pence, panting, manage to trap Donald Trump underneath a giant net, even though Trump claws and buzzes furiously against it. Manafort: (into walkie-talkie) I have him, Ivanka. He’s down. Trump: bzzzzzzzz Manafort: Buddy. Buddy. Pence: Brother. Manafort: Get his phone. Get his phone away from him. Trump: rrrrrrrrrr Pence tries, but not too […]
Yay, Olympics — but also ewwwww!
2016’s unofficial motto is “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things.” I can list on the fingers of one Ramsay Bolton-mangled hand all the good things that have happened in 2016, and most of them involve musicals about Founding Fathers winning meaningless awards. The election is going so badly that I have had to buy a […]
The Trump intervention
Key Republicans close to Donald Trump’s orbit are plotting an intervention with the candidate … Republican National Committee head Reince Priebus, former Republican New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich are among the Trump endorsers hoping to talk the real estate mogul into a dramatic reset of his campaign in […]
What Hillary really meant to say on her historic night
Hillary steps to the podium, clad in white, like some kind of heavily Scotchgard-ed painting of the annunciation]/like Daenarys Targaryan if Danaerys were a grandmother who had been subjected to rigorous body criticism her entire life/like a modest whiteboard/like she’s about to go star in an all-female revival of Jesus Christ Superstar. FINALLY FINALLY [lets […]
America, meet Tim Kaine, your new stepdad
PHILADELPHIA — America, meet Tim Kaine. Tim Kaine, ardent Catholic, Democratic senator and former governor of Virginia, former chair of the Democratic National Committee, accepted the nomination as Hillary Clinton’s vice president on Wednesday. Onion Joe Biden’s iconic Trans Am is about to pull out from the driveway of the vice president’s residence. But don’t worry. Tim Kaine’s […]
DNC, if you play ‘Fight Song’ one more time, you will have to fight me
PHILADELPHIA — DNC, we have a problem. That problem’s name is “Fight Song.” I didn’t mind you getting all the celebrities on the face of the Earth and the Great White Way onto the stage together to rub it into poor Scott Baio’s face. You are well within your rights. All right, I mind a little. […]
Hillary Clinton’s Dark And Eldritch Magicks
Philadelphia, Pa. – New town, same posters. I left Cleveland on Friday after learning – not from the Lunatic Fringe Outside The Convention but, in fact, speakers on the mainstage – that Hillary Clinton was responsible for everything that has ever gone wrong in this country. She has the power to alter time, can kill […]
Bill Clinton’s speech, translated
PHILADELPHIA — There’s a difference between a long-winded speech and a long-winded toast. Bill Clinton’s speech at the second night of the DNC fell into the second category. Below is a transcript of his remarks at the second night of the Democratic National Convention, loosely translated. BILL CLINTON: (steps to the microphone and exhales, like […]
Democratic National Convention Night One: Bernie Sanders doesn’t know how to turn this thing off
PHILADELPHIA — In life, as Oscar Wilde said, there are two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants. The other is getting it. The second tragedy was on display last week in Cleveland, where the Republican National Committee shrugged and let Trump voters have the convention they apparently wanted. “Duck Dynasty” stars? A whole […]
Donald Trump’s creepy fascist infomercial
CLEVELAND — We have always been at war with Eurasia. Snowball the Pig is responsible for everything that is wrong on the farm. How fortunate we are to have Donald Trump. Donald Trump is the miracle product that will fix everything that is wrong in your home. He is also your father figure (put your […]
Pokémon GOP: In Cleveland, I tried to catch them all
CLEVELAND — There were definitely Pokémon to be found at the Republican National Convention, some more outlandish than others. Donald Trump, after some effort, even managed to capture the Republican nomination on Tuesday night. (The Alaska delegation kept bursting out of his Pokéball, but he got them in there eventually after feeding them one of those berries.) The Ted […]
A sneak peek at Trump’s speech
Cleveland — I have been lucky enough to secure an advance copy of the speech Donald Trump is to give tonight, the final night of the GOP convention! It follows. Hello, Cleveland! Hello, America! I’m — well, frankly, I’m a little embarrassed for you. This got out of control, didn’t it? Quite frankly, I did not […]
Ted Cruz unleashed
CLEVELAND — The third night of the Republican National Convention continued the theme of the convention: “Maybe We Can Fix This In Post-Production.” The speakers included Newt Gingrich, vice-presidential nominee Mike Pence, and Sen. Ted Cruz, who might or might not have agreed to endorse Donald Trump in exchange for the speaking slot. This seems like […]
Another day of the GOP convention, another night of terror
CLEVELAND — What HAPPENED Tuesday night? The second night of the GOP convention was like “1984,” periodically interrupted by infomercials for Trump wines. The evening started with an uncomfortable explanation of why the rules obliged Alaska to vote for Donald Trump and went downhill from there. Supposedly the theme of the second night in Cleveland was “Make America […]
The ‘My Little Pony’ defense
I was sad to miss BronyCon, but it turned out that BronyCon was within us all along. It appears that there are two homes for “a convention of grown men who are curiously obsessed with ‘My Little Pony.’” One is “Bronycon” and the other is “the Republican National Convention.” In order to defend Melania Trump against […]
The GOP convention begins: Donald — I Mean, Melania — Trump speaks
CLEVELAND — Only one thing happened in Cleveland on Monday night that might be interesting to the casual viewer. Melania Trump addressed the convention on behalf of her husband, Donald. Some other things happened, of course, but they were only interesting if you already were on board with everything that the convention was selling you. […]
Trump-Pence marriage is off to a rocky start
Cleveland — The marriage of Donald Trump and Indiana Gov. Mike Pence is not off to a great start. Donald Trump introduced Pence as his running mate as if it were a painful duty, in a series of long digressions about himself that he had to keep dragging back on track, perhaps hoping that if he talked about himself long […]
Syllogisms for the 2016 race
Danielle Allen has suggested that Americans return to our roots as logicians by embracing the syllogism (an argument with two premises that lead logically to a conclusion) to describe the 2016 election. She suggested the example: It is necessary that a president understand the art of democracy. But Trump does not understand the art of […]
Pokemon Go, An Honest Review
All right, world. Let’s get this straight. Is this what you were doing in the ’90s? I was only dimly aware of the Pokemon phenomenon the first time it hit. It was what everyone around me was doing at recess. The words “pokeball” and “pikachu” floated dimly at the edge of my consciousness in the same […]
Dallas and American ‘contradictions’
Some people on the Internet seem to be confused. “In the aftermath of twelve people being tragically shot for no reason in Dallas,” they wonder, “how will Black Lives Matter be able to continue being upset about people getting tragically shot for no reason in other places?” “How will the Black Lives Matter movement square […]
America is stuck in Investigationception
“Remind me again,” says Ariadne, newest member of the House Dream Team of Clinton Investigation Investigator Investigators, “what level are we on?” Jason Chaffetz, chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, kicks his chair back onto two legs. “It is Thursday, July 7, 2016,” he says, “and we are investigating the FBI’s investigation […]
How to tell stars apart (A guide for Donald Trump)
Donald Trump seems to be having some trouble with stars lately. Dishonest media is trying their absolute best to depict a star in a tweet as the Star of David rather than a Sheriff’s Star, or plain star! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 4, 2016 In case he is serious, here is a guide […]
A Salute to the Toast, which was everything that is good about the Internet
The Internet is in mourning. The Toast, beloved source of all things that are good, is shuttering today, July 1. The Toast was so many things (IS! it will still exist, preserved in amber, for generations of Internet explorers to marvel at): a bastion of feminism and humor, one of the few sites on the Internet […]
Your complete guide to the veepstakes
Ah, the veepstakes, that time-honored tradition. Not to be confused with Trump Steaks. Trump Steaks are a form of bull with a fancy label; veepstakes are the process whereby you designate someone else to put a fancy label on your bull. The conventions are a mere two weeks away, and Donald Trump is just now […]
Wait, you mean Texas’s HB 2 was not actually designed to help women?
Here is the money quote from the Supreme Court majority opinion, released Monday, striking down Texas’s HB 2: “We have found nothing in Texas’ record evidence that shows that, compared to prior law (which required a ‘working arrangement’ with a doctor with admitting privileges), the new law advanced Texas’ legitimate interest in protecting women’s health. We add that, when […]
After Brexit, here are further British downgrades
If I learned anything from the opening to the 2012 London Olympics, it is that Britain’s value lies not just in its economic properties but in its intellectual properties. The pound may have experienced a drop of 7.6 percent, which is, as the New York Times notes, 21 times its usual average daily move, since […]
Keep calm and what the hell just happened?
Dang it, Britain, we thought you had things under control. We were supposed to be the place where everything was on fire. You were supposed to keep calm and carry on. Were all of those posters a lie? Torching the place for literally no reason other than to send a message about voter anger, we thought, […]
Waiting for Pivot: A GOP Tragicomedy
Vladimir Ryan and Estragon Priebus, members of the GOP establishment, sit glumly in rags beneath a small leafless tree, next to a slowly decomposing elephant carcass. They wear matching flag pins. Estragon struggles mightily to remove his “Jeb 2016″ button. At last it comes off with a pop. Estragon: Nothing to be done. Vladimir: I’m beginning […]
How to get fired by the Trump campaign
What do you have to do to be fired from the Trump campaign? Word emerged on Monday that Donald Trump had parted ways with his famously contentious campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. “The Donald J. Trump Campaign for President, which has set a historic record in the Republican Primary having received almost 14 million votes, has today […]
Against ‘dad jokes’
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