Let me begin by stating that I have nothing against fathers. I have one, myself, and I approve highly. I also have nothing against bad puns. If someone ever told me that bad puns were illegal, I would respond, “No, illegal is a sick bird!” And then they would cart me off to the pun […]
Marco Rubio’s ongoing Senate nightmare
Marco Rubio never claimed to enjoy serving in the Senate. Indeed, quite the opposite. (Some sample quotes: “I’m not missing votes because I’m on vacation. I’m running for president so that the votes they take in the Senate are actually meaningful again.” — Rubio, on CNN “Do we just stand around and do nothing?” — Rubio, on the […]
How to Cover Donald Trump Fairly: A Style Guide
This Style Guide to Covering Trump Honestly and Fairly is too late for me, since I work at The Post, which has had its credentials revoked by the Trump campaign. But it may not be too late for you, other members of the media! Please read and implement! The Pillars of Covering Trump: 1. Donald […]
Does Donald Trump know what makes America great?
Donald Trump may manage to stop immigration after all. Not because of the wall. Not because he doubled down, Monday, on his idea of a ban on Muslim immigration — now cloudily phrased as “I will suspend immigration from areas of the world where there’s a proven history of terrorism against the United States, Europe […]
Some easy, foolproof, affordable ways to get ‘Hamilton’ tickets right now!
On Sunday night at the Tony Awards, the Pulitzer/Grammy/Everything-winning juggernaut that is “Hamilton” continued to devour awards, bringing home the coin-on-a-pedestal statuettes in tremendous if not record-breaking numbers. But what if you want to see this for yourself and you don’t have, er, $3,000 lying around? Simple. Easy. Here are a few ways. Go to […]
Breaking up with Bernie
A great relationship can be ruined by a lousy breakup. Instead of remembering the many wonderful times you had together, when he taught you that “socialist” was not a dirty word, took you to inspiring rallies with great soundtracks and urged you to take down corrupt money in politics, all your recent memories are of his dozens of […]
Don’t count your superdelegates before they hatch!
Listen. Sen. Bernie Sanders may have lost California. He may have lost New Jersey. He may have lost South Dakota. But the race is not over! It will not be over until July 25, when the superdelegates cast their final votes. If this does not make sense to you, think of it like this: It is […]
Hillary Clinton’s victory speech, translated
(Clinton climbs to the mizzenmast and emits an hour-long sigh of relief.) FINALLY. FINALLY. Wow, America. Can you believe that, this whole time, I was a woman? I barely noticed it, frankly. It turns out that this might have been a historic candidacy, this whole time! I know, right? But this campaign is not about the fact […]
Who can judge Donald Trump?
Maybe Donald Trump’s insistence that U. S. District Court Judge Gonzalo Curiel needs to recuse himself from the Trump University case on the grounds that “he’s a Mexican” is not a sign of Trump tossing aside his dog-whistle for a giant person-trumpet that screams YES, IN CASE ANYONE WAS STILL WONDERING, THIS IS ACTUALLY RACISM. […]
Third Party Poopers
There is nothing more frustrating than when you want to have a party but no one else does. Especially if the party has an oddly specific theme, like “James A. Garfield Plus Garfield the Cat” or “Running a Traditional Mainline Conservative for President Before It’s Too Late.” If you throw it yourself, it’s embarrassing. But if you don’t, […]
You And Michelle Obama Could Realistically Be Friends
On Tuesday we found out that, for their next two years in Washington, the Obamas apparently are going to be dwelling in Kalorama — the classy, tree-lined zone of single-family dwellings rich in diplomats and costly yogurt spots. Which means that the thing all the GIF series and magazine articles have been promising for seven years […]
Is the Bernie-Trump debate a great idea or a terrible idea? Yes.
Both Sanders and Trump have expressed a willingness to debate each other for charity before the California primary — Trump on Jimmy Kimmel and Sanders on Twitter. Okay, yes, I’d watch a Sanders-Trump debate. But I have a problem. I know this. I am so desperate for another debate that the other day I tried to […]
The World According to Star Wars — actually
I was saddened by the news that Cass Sunstein’s “The World According to Star Wars” is actually just The World According to Behavioral Psychology. I was hoping for a list of Unexpected Star Wars Insights Into Living that I could incorporate into my daily life. But then I realized, “Why would you ask Cass Sunstein […]
Why isn’t Hillary Clinton fun and trustworthy?
(We may never get to see the transcript of the chat conversation going on among the Hillary Clinton team right now, but I can only assume that were it leaked, it would go something like this.) IN CHAT: Hillary, Redacted, Redacted Redacted: Team! Did you read David Brooks today explaining why Hillary is disliked? Riveting stuff. He said […]
Please stop redesigning the T. rex
I was not entirely recovered from the revelation that Tyrannosaurus rex was apparently coated in some sort of feathers when the news came, last week, that T. rex probably had both fleshy gums and lips. After all, Robert Reisz argued to the Canadian Society of Vertebrate Paleontology, the teeth of the Lizard King had a layer of enamel that had […]
‘And they all lived happily ever after’: If fairy tales went like the Megyn Kelly-Trump interview
“And they all lived happily ever after.” In general, fairy-tale endings are horrifying. The fact that the man you were forced to marry because your father got lost in the woods and made an ill-advised promise is an enchanted prince and not a hedgehog does not actually make this a good outcome. And the Donald Trump-Megyn […]
If Sanders supporters complained about other things the way they complain about election results
With apologies to my Facebook feed. CHESS: This game is rigged. The pawns get to move almost NOWHERE, whereas the QUEEN (DETECT ANY RESEMBLANCE HERE???) can just move wherever she likes with no apparent rhyme or reason. She’s not a bishop or a rook. Why does she move like one? Also, the black pieces have […]
Other Trump alter egos
Of course the eccentric billionaire has an alter ego (even if he had to let the butler go.) The news surfaced on Friday that Donald Trump had spent a good chunk of the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s pretending to be his own publicist. Media spoke to “John Miller” or “John Barron,” who spoke glowingly of Donald […]
What really happened at the Trump-Ryan meeting
Here is the joint statement issued by Paul Ryan and Donald J. Trump, after a meeting Thursday morning. pic.twitter.com/Fyt9VkdCFv — Paul Ryan (@PRyan) May 12, 2016 Ryan later spoke at a news conference, where he said, among other things, that there was no way they could possibly come to a full agreement in just 45 […]
Budweiser is America? Sounds about right.
Budweiser is a tasteless concoction that you sometimes order because the only alternative is drinking NOTHING, and that would be unbearable. Its aftertaste is like licking the inside of someone else’s athletic shoe. It is always either too fizzy or not fizzy enough. It tastes like if you allowed a pita chip to go stale very slowly inside your […]
Playboy president Donald Trump and the double standard
I am so sorry that I am writing about Donald Trump every day. I did not ask for this life, either. It does not bring me any more pleasure than it brings you. HOWEVER. The Post recently studied the sexual history of Donald Trump and concluded that he could go “from playboy to president” (which […]
Donald Trump is terrible. Good thing there’s this ‘nominee’ guy!
Donald Trump is a problem. He has a 65 percent unfavorable rating. He is prone to firing off unexpectedly at the mouth. He either doesn’t understand or actively wants to destroy the credit of the United States. If you’re a senator running for reelection and his name shows up at the top of the ticket, you might […]
Fan fiction, Young Han Solo and the State of the ‘Star Wars’
May the Fourth be With You on “Star Wars” day, or whenever you’re reading this. This is a great time to be a “Star Wars” fan. As someone quipped on Tumblr, “We get a new Star Wars movie every year!” is something you would tell a person from the past to convince them that we […]
Why now, John Kasich?
On Wednesday, after defeat in Indiana, John Kasich is announcing he is suspending his campaign. Which raises the question: Why? Why now? What changed? It was not as though he was ever winning. Losing Indiana seemed like a classic Kasich move. I thought his whole strategy was: “Win Ohio, and then just sort of amble along the […]
Trump will be the GOP nominee. Nothing is on fire. This is fine.
So. This is happening. You scream wordlessly for a full minute. Donald Trump is the presumptive Republican nominee for president. You begin gathering logs for a great bonfire. Reince Priebus tweeted, “.@realDonaldTrump will be presumptive @GOP nominee, we all need to unite and focus on defeating @HillaryClinton #NeverClinton.” You pack the pile high with newspapers predicting that Trump […]
How to get facts to Trump: Sneak them into tabloid headlines
Donald Trump is at it again. He tried to link Ted Cruz’s father to the JFK assassination, of all things. (“His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being — you know, shot,” Trump told Fox News. He went on: “They don’t even talk about that. That was reported, and nobody talks about […]
John Milton’s Ted Cruz-adise Lost
“Lucifer in the Flesh.” -John Boehner, describing Ted Cruz Ted Cruz has made the mistake of fighting this. He shouldn’t. If I learned anything from my English degree, it is that Satan is a compelling, dynamic — even sexy — figure. John Milton clearly thought so. His Satan was a Byronic hero before Byron was a Byronic […]
Donald Trump and John Boehner’s late-night texts
Some people think that the most striking part of John Boehner’s Wednesday night remarks at Stanford University (as reported by the Stanford Daily) was that he described Ted Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh” and added “I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with […]
With Fiorina nod, Ted Cruz’s presidential fantasy escalates out of control
At 4 p.m. Wednesday, Ted Cruz announced Carly Fiorina as his running mate. Ted Cruz, what? One of the best parts of running for president is that you get to go to diners full of strangers and read, aloud, fan fiction that you have written about yourself. When I go to strange diners and read “Alexandra’s […]
How to play the ‘woman card’
“Frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don’t think she’d get 5 percent of the vote. The only thing she’s got going is the woman’s card,” Trump said Tuesday night, after winning 5 primaries. Ah yes, the woman’s card. I have been carrying one of these for years, proudly. It is great. It entitles you […]
Donald Trump thinks this is the Miss Universe pageant. He said as much Tuesday night.
I think I have finally figured out what makes Donald Trump tick. (She said, for the 18th time, barely believing herself.) After years of watching the Miss Universe competition, something within Trump cracked. Unable to enter the contest for Miss United States (he’s over the age limit, and the swimsuit portion might be unkind), he opted […]
Mrs. Christie’s face makes an eloquent case against Trump’s appeal to women
It should be a new rule of the campaign that Donald Trump is allowed to give speeches only with a member of the Christie family standing behind him and making faces. (One will do, but both are preferable.) First, Chris Christie hung, albatross-like, around Trump’s neck as he spoke in Palm Beach, Fla. And on Tuesday night, […]
The state of Metro is a Gothic nightmare
The recent Post story about the desperate state of the Metro system reads mostly like a tale of Gothic horror. But not entirely. I have taken the liberty of closing that gap. Some of this is Gothic horror but probably the scariest parts are the actual true facts about Metro. You are in the Metro. The trains come […]
With Cruz-Kasich alliance, the campaign goes full reality TV
The Hunger Games are weird this year. Finally, John Kasich (District 12) and Ted Cruz (District 10) have realized that they are not in fact in a Republican primary election for president but in a reality TV show loosely inspired by the concept of a presidential election and starring Donald Trump, and are beginning to […]
The trouble with Never Trump, in one chart
Scratch the GOP in recent weeks and you will find someone bellowing “NEVER TRUMP.” Donald Trump “would be a disaster.” Donald Trump is “manifestly unfit” to be president and “would bring shame upon our country.” A Trump presidency, they say, would be an unmitigated nightmare. Were he elected, brimstone would rain from on high and great beasts […]
Keep yetis out of public restrooms
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